An Ol' Broad's Ramblings
HOME!
I have arrived home, safe and sound. Well, safe at any rate…sound is another issue altogether. I found the four legged children with fur still intact. Although Hootie did give me a scare. I couldn’t find her even after searching every nook and cranny. Evidently, the old woman is a lot faster than she looks because I found her out in the garage. She was not happy with me again. Hey, I didn’t tell her to sneak out while I was coming in!
I’d now like to share some driving knowledge since evidently, there are quite a few people out there on the roads who must have bribed someone to give them a passing grade in driver’s ed, and a license.
1. There are either two or three peddles near your feet, depending on what type of car you drive, standard or automatic. The vertical one you have mashed to the floor is called the gas peddle. This is the one you push if you want to go forward, or backward, depending on the gear you are in. The horizontal one, right next to the gas peddle is called a brake. You must remove your foot from the gas peddle, place it gently (usually) on the brake, and press slowly to decrease your speed. If you are unfamiliar with the third peddle, then you shouldn’t be driving a standard at all.
2. If the speed limit is 70 miles per hour, odds are, I’ll be doing 74 miles per hour – max. Climbing up my tail pipe will not make me go any faster. I do not care to become that intimate with you, you are not my type. So, please consider using the previously mentioned brake peddle to SLOW YOUR ASS DOWN.
3. It it not my fault you did not allow yourself plenty of time to make it from point A to point B. If you over slept, if your spouse dawdled, if your dog took a crap in your favorite pair of shoes, this is not my problem. That very large truck next to me prevents me from moving over safely until I have passed said truck. I also do not consider it safe until I can see his tires in my rear view mirror. Not the side view, the rear view.
4. If it is your intent to remove yourself from the interstate at the next exit, please do not speed up so you can go around me, just to slow down right smack dab in front of me. Not only is this dangerous, but you also make yourself look like a jackass.
5. If you see me passing you, with a large truck coming up behind me, DO NOT INCREASE THE PRESSURE ON THE GAS PEDDLE. Maintain your speed, and I’ll be able to maneuver around you quickly so the odds of either one of us being crushed by said large truck decreases dramatically.
And, on that note, I’m am going to return to my previous vegetative state and watch the cats run circles around each other, hiss, spit, and do what cat’s generally do for the next hour or so. Then, I’m going to crawl into bed, insert my snout in a book, and read until I can’t see. This usually takes about 15 minutes.
