An Ol' Broad's Ramblings
Archive for Chuckles
Shared by Father D…an oldie but goodie!
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
“Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”
“Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”
No known cure for the Yakety Yak syndrome
by James Snyder
A few months back I was so sick I had to go see the doctor. That alone indicates the condition was rather serious. I do not like going to the doctor because you have to sit in the waiting room with sick people. I never know what contagious diseases are lurking in the shadows of that doctor’s waiting room.
My condition progressed to the point where the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage told me to go to the doctor or else. I never want to deal with her “or else”. I have lived as long as I have lived and have enjoyed the health that I do have because I have not found out her “or else”.
Since I do not have health insurance, every time I go to the doctor it comes out of my own pocket. Recently my pockets have not been very deep. Regardless of how shallow my pockets may be, doctors know how to penetrate to the very depths of my pockets with their special scalpel.
The result of my visit to the doctors was that I had double pneumonia and bronchitis. Simply put, I was sick. He gave me a prescription to fill and then said I should spend at least the next two weeks in bed resting.
I was in such a state of mind that it sounded like a good idea to me. Of course, I made him write it out as a prescription so I could show it to my wife so she would believe me that I’m in bed because I’m sick not because I’m trying to avoid my chores.
The first couple of days I spent in bed hardly conscious of anything around me. I am not sure if I ate during those days are not. I have no recollection of anything conscious during those days.
Ok… I gotta admit, this is pretty tacky, and no, I’m not wishing the results on anyone…got that DHS???? But dang, I thought it was funny! Got me snorting and hacking and wheezing so much, just had to share!
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man’s tractor.
“Hank,” the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?” “Yep. Sure did,” the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor’s engine.
“Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?”
“Were there any survivors?”
“Nope. They’s all kilt straight out,” the farmer answered. “I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.”
“President Obama is dead?” the sheriff asked.
“Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
“He kept a-saying he wasn’t… But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.”
Shared by Father Sam.
A Tale Of Two Cows (visual)
Shared by The Bunker.
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different…AGAIN.
Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not an Obama fan.”
The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Obama?” Johnny said, “Because I’m a Republican.”
The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican. Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.”
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make YOU?”
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “THAT WOULD MAKE ME AN OBAMA FAN!”
Shared by Doc.
….and I don’t care!
THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6′ 2″, strong as a longhorn and fast as mustang.
He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview. The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an “Attitude Suitability Test,” that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don’t let anyone carry our badge, son.”
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.
“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy. “When can you start?”
Shared by Doc.
Shared by my favorite “Doc”, Father D!
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde stated, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”
The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
He was amazed to see her expertly shoot at a huge 9-foot alligator swimming toward her and kill it. With a great deal of effort she hauled its carcass to the swamp bank where there were several more carcasses lying neatly in a row.
The blonde then flipped the alligator on its back, looked at its feet and shouted, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
Southern cops have a way with words!
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” (My Favorite)
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.” (LOVE IT)
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center )
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”
Shared by Jack.
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him how she came to get all the splinters and that she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”
He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a “recreational area” so close to a waste treatment facility.”
“I’m sorry, but due to ObamaCare they turned you down!”
(A bit of humor from The Bunker.)
WASHINGTON D.C. – Congressional watchers were stunned today by an announcement from House Speaker John Boehner’s office. In a carefully crafted statement the top republican revealed that his family was purchasing the fast food chain Taco John’s. The franchise, which advertises itself as “The Fresh Taste of Tex-Mex” confirmed the sale this morning. According to Congressional rules sitting Congressmen are forbidden from profiting from private holdings.
Boehner’s chief of staff Barry Steven Jackson tried to clarify what he called, “Misunderstandings” in the press handout. Mr. Jackson said that the Speakers’ son, who he referred to as “Little Juan” was the buyer of the restaurant chain. Republican Boehner’s only role in the franchise would be as “Saludador” or Greeter.
Media trucks lined the streets for the Speakers first official appearance at the grand opening of the new Taco John’s in Suwanee Georgia. Reporter’s cameras were trained on the Speakers limo as it rolled into view. It was clear that the oversized Lincoln had undergone substantial renovation. The car now rode a mere few inches above the pavement ala “Low Rider” style and the front license plate read “Juan” in glittery script. Before the limo reached the curb it performed an alternate side to side raising and lowering while the horn sounded the first few notes of “La Cucaracha” to the cheers of the waiting crowd. As the driver settled the vehicle curbside, lights beneath it bathed the pavement a pale blue.
As Speaker Boehner emerged from the rear of the limo subdued giggles could be heard. The top republican was outfitted in the traditional Jalisco Traje de Gala costume normally worn by Mariachi musicians. His highly polished black boots sprouted glistening silver tips. As he strutted towards the speaking platform he fitted the sombrero he was carrying atop his head to complete the transformation. Reporters raced to question Senor’ Boehner whose only reply was, “Hola Amigo’s.”
When the Speaker settled behind the raised podium the late afternoon sun revealed that he had spent a few extra hours exercising his all day pass at the Congressional tanning salon. Immediately in front of the podium a huge banner expressed the day’s sentiment, “Bienvenido My Fellow Americanos.”
The Speaker only spoke for a few short minutes during which he expressed his sincere respect for traditional “Tex-Mex” cuisine. He also offered a “Shout Out” to all his Compadre’s in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Florida, Iowa, Colorado, Virginia, Wisconsin and especially California.
Republican Boehner declined to comment on his new part time position. He did say that his favorite item on the Taco John menu was the, “Baja Spineless Wings.”
Back in Washington DC former House Speaker, Democrat Nancy Pelosi was contacted for a comment on Speaker Boehner’s new role. She wished Mr. Boehner well in his new endeavor but did say that, “It was the worst case of political pandering she had ever seen.”
This story is entirely fictional and should not be believed by anybody!
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh.
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Shared by Ro!
A friend told a blonde man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
The blonde man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
To which the blonde man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
“I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me”.
The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone
“My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No”, he shouts, “this is her husband!”
A blonde man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
“Here boy!” he replies.
A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” the blonde replies.
“It should be around your neck” says the guard.
“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe”.
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
Shared by Jerry.
Finally, some honesty in big buck hunting stories!
Above is a picture of the new world record whitetail buck!
It was taken by the cousin of a co-worker’s sister’s uncle’s best friend’s son-in-law’s niece’s hairdresser’s neighbor’s ex-boyfriend’s oldest nephew.
Reportedly it will score 2603-1/8 by B&C standard and was shot in West Texas on a really windy day, 85 degrees downhill, around a curve at 900 yards with a .22 cal. rifle.
Supposedly, this deer had killed a Brahma bull, two Land Rovers, and six Jehovah’s Witnesses in the last two weeks alone.
They said it was winning a fight with Bigfoot when it was shot. It has also been confirmed that the buck had been seen drinking discharge water from a nuclear power plant.
All this has been checked and confirmed by my friends at Snopes.
Honestly and Sincerely,
Barack H. Obama
Shared by Jiro and the Mr.