An Ol' Broad's Ramblings
Archive for Chuckles
Irony of 2 Feb 2012
In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.
This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.
One event involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.
The other event involves a groundhog.
Shared by Dr D.
Naked Pool Party
Ok, so I thought it was funny
Shared by Sue.
Tingles Time
Listen to the whole interview here.
ELDER: Chris, first do you still feel as a journalist, it is your job to help Obama succeed?
MATTHEWS: Well, I certainly feel it is my job to help any new president succeed and I said that. And I think it was true when I wrote it for Bush in 2000 with hopes that he would do well until he made some decisions I couldn’t live with and when that comes with Obama, I will break with him. So far he has done what I think he should, but he hasn’t been the leader I think he should be but he’s made the decisions I think I would make.
ELDER: Do you consider yourself a journalist?
MATTHEWS: Yeah, I’m a journalist. I’m a columnist. I’m a commentator
ELDER: No, no a journalist – you think you’re an objective down-the-middle journalist?
MATTHEWS: No, I’m not down the middle. I’m slightly to the left.
ELDER: Slightly to the left?
MATTHEWS: I’d say 40-yard-line.
40 yard line? Really? ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Umm….how about past the end zone, through the bleachers and out into the parking lot!
Can We Say “Hypocrisy”?
I knew we could! 
Gosh! I’m SO Excited!
You’ll never guess! A long lost relative, or something, from…. lemme see…. Nigeria? left me a substantial amount of money. Is that cool or whut? And just think, all I have to do is provide (urgently):
1. Your full personal details, names etc.
2. Your full banking details, where you wish your fund to be wired.
3. Your total contract/inheritance)–please indicate if your payment is for contract or inheritance.
4. Total amount expected
5. Copy of your international passport or driver’s license
6. Your Occupation
Yep…I need to get right on that! I wouldn’t want Mrs Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, Honorable Minister for Finance, Federal Republic of Nigeria to be upset with me!
/snark
Had No Choice!
Swiped from Lori on Facebook.
Lemons
Sally of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I’ve been divorced 3 times, owned 2 Chryslers and voted for Obama.”
Shared by the Mr.
Crime
Shared by Suzanne.
Couldn’t Resist
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to get something to eat at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors – green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ….
“I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid.”
Shared by my brother in law.
A Wisconsin Chuckle
The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her Father and says, ‘So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?’
‘I don’t think so. It’s an 18 hour drive.”
‘Don’t worry about it Dad, I’ll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.’
‘I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?’
“Oh Dad,” replies Susan, ‘I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown ustom-made by the best designer in Washington ..’
‘Honey,’ Dad complains, ‘you know I can’t eat those rich foods you eat. Do they serve tap beer????’
The President-to-be responds, ‘Don’t worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington, I’ll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.’
So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president’s Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, ‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States.’
The Senator whispers back, ‘You bet I do.’
Dad says proudly, “Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers.”
Shared by Sue.
A Funny
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his bad behaved 3 year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long, easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa..”
“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William …….the little sh*t’s name is Kevin.”
Shared by Mr Ol’ Broad.
Just Gotta Keep Your Sense Of Humor
The South has had it pretty rough recently, devastating tornadoes with the loss of lives in the hundreds, torrential rains, and a lot of flooding. Right now, Memphis is bracing for more from the Mighty Mississippi. Here in Podunk, we’ve watched the Tennessee River overflow it’s banks and flood streets and homes. But all that is no reason to lose your sense of humor.
Photo from WREG.
I Really Shouldn’t Laugh
*snicker*
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and says, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”
Obama replied, “I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand…show me!”
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
Shared by Sharon.
Gotta Love Those Marines!
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both! men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn’t even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!”
“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”
God I love those Marines!
Swiped from Facebook.
Service Rules and Regulations
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a ’4.’
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10… Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11… Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12… In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13… If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
