1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every single minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys — is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs… A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 27. The trouble with life is there’s no background music

28. The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don’t know what is going on.

In Washington, D.C., an old priest lay dying. Well loved for faithfully serving the people of the nation’s capital and well known among elected officials, he knew his earthly mission was over.

He motioned to the vigilant nurse beside him and whispered “My dying wish is to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die. The message was well received by the White House as an opportunity for favorable publicity, and the two set out with urgency to get to the deathbed before it was too late.

Obama commented to Reid, “Ï don’t know why the old guy wants to see us, but it will certainly help our popularity ratings with the Catholics.”

When they arrived at the bedside, the old priest took Obama’s hand in his right hand and Reid’s hand in his left hand. Immediately a look of serenity and peace covered the old priest’s face.

Expectantly, Obama asked “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, Why did you choose us to be with you at the end?”

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

“Amen”, said Obama.

“Amen”, said Reid.

The old priest continued, “Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same.”

Well, she didn’t put it quite like that…she actually said: “Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We’re going to work together on President Obama’s reelection campaign.”

Shared by Sharon.

‘Oh please excuse me,’ said the bunny. ‘I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.’

‘That’s perfectly all right,’ replied the snake. ‘To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?’

‘Well, I really don’t know,’ said the bunny.. ‘I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.’

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, ‘Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!’

The bunny said, ‘I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?’

The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, ‘Well, what kind of an animal am I?’

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, ‘You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you have no balls…You must be a POLITICIAN’

Swiped from Jim via FB.

ATD- at the doctor
BFF- best friend fell
BTW- bring the wheelchair
BYOT-bring your own teeth
FWIW- forgot where i was
LMDO- laughing my dentures out
ROFLACGU- rolling on the floor laughing and cant get up
TTML- talk to me louder
T4M- time 4 meds
PMA- pee’d myself again
SHTTF- shouldn’t have trusted that fart.

The Ick in law thinks he’s amusing.

Swiped from Beth via Facebook.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, Gentlemen?”

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a martini.

In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis… shaken, not stirred, and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.”

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment… then look at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 cents, please.”

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they have spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”

“I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix ,” the bartender said, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime…wine, liquor, beer, it’s all the same.”

“Wow!!!! That’s quite a story,” says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn’t help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn’t have drinks in front of them, and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “Oh, they’re all old retired farts from Wisconsin. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price.”

Shared by the Mr.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One event involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other event involves a groundhog.

Shared by Dr D.

Ok, so I thought it was funny

Shared by Sue.

ELDER: Chris, first do you still feel as a journalist, it is your job to help Obama succeed?

MATTHEWS: Well, I certainly feel it is my job to help any new president succeed and I said that. And I think it was true when I wrote it for Bush in 2000 with hopes that he would do well until he made some decisions I couldn’t live with and when that comes with Obama, I will break with him. So far he has done what I think he should, but he hasn’t been the leader I think he should be but he’s made the decisions I think I would make.

ELDER: Do you consider yourself a journalist?

MATTHEWS: Yeah, I’m a journalist. I’m a columnist. I’m a commentator

ELDER: No, no a journalist – you think you’re an objective down-the-middle journalist?

MATTHEWS: No, I’m not down the middle. I’m slightly to the left.

ELDER: Slightly to the left?

MATTHEWS: I’d say 40-yard-line.

40 yard line?  Really?  ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Umm….how about past the end zone, through the bleachers and out into the parking lot!

1. Your full personal details, names etc.
2. Your full banking details, where you wish your fund to be wired.
3. Your total contract/inheritance)–please indicate if your payment is for contract or inheritance.
4. Total amount expected
5. Copy of your international passport or driver’s license
6. Your Occupation

Yep…I need to get right on that! I wouldn’t want Mrs Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, Honorable Minister for Finance, Federal Republic of Nigeria to be upset with me!

/snark

Swiped from Lori on Facebook.

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I’ve been divorced 3 times, owned 2 Chryslers and voted for Obama.”

Shared by the Mr.