This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One event involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other event involves a groundhog.

Shared by Dr D.

Ok, so I thought it was funny

Shared by Sue.

ELDER: Chris, first do you still feel as a journalist, it is your job to help Obama succeed?

MATTHEWS: Well, I certainly feel it is my job to help any new president succeed and I said that. And I think it was true when I wrote it for Bush in 2000 with hopes that he would do well until he made some decisions I couldn’t live with and when that comes with Obama, I will break with him. So far he has done what I think he should, but he hasn’t been the leader I think he should be but he’s made the decisions I think I would make.

ELDER: Do you consider yourself a journalist?

MATTHEWS: Yeah, I’m a journalist. I’m a columnist. I’m a commentator

ELDER: No, no a journalist – you think you’re an objective down-the-middle journalist?

MATTHEWS: No, I’m not down the middle. I’m slightly to the left.

ELDER: Slightly to the left?

MATTHEWS: I’d say 40-yard-line.

40 yard line?  Really?  ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Umm….how about past the end zone, through the bleachers and out into the parking lot!

1. Your full personal details, names etc.
2. Your full banking details, where you wish your fund to be wired.
3. Your total contract/inheritance)–please indicate if your payment is for contract or inheritance.
4. Total amount expected
5. Copy of your international passport or driver’s license
6. Your Occupation

Yep…I need to get right on that! I wouldn’t want Mrs Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, Honorable Minister for Finance, Federal Republic of Nigeria to be upset with me!

/snark

Swiped from Lori on Facebook.

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I’ve been divorced 3 times, owned 2 Chryslers and voted for Obama.”

Shared by the Mr.

Shared by Suzanne.

We decided to get something to eat at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors – green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ….

“I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid.”

Shared by my brother in law.

‘I don’t think so. It’s an 18 hour drive.”

‘Don’t worry about it Dad, I’ll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.’

‘I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?’

“Oh Dad,” replies Susan, ‘I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown ustom-made by the best designer in Washington ..’

‘Honey,’ Dad complains, ‘you know I can’t eat those rich foods you eat. Do they serve tap beer????’

The President-to-be responds, ‘Don’t worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington, I’ll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.’

So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president’s Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, ‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States.’

The Senator whispers back, ‘You bet I do.’

Dad says proudly, “Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers.”

Shared by Sue.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long, easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa..”

“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William …….the little sh*t’s name is Kevin.”

Shared by Mr Ol’ Broad.

Photo from WREG.

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and says, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”

Obama replied, “I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand…show me!”

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Shared by Sharon.

The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn’t even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!”

“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”

God I love those Marines!

Swiped from Facebook.

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a ’4.’
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10… Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11… Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12… In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13… If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from ‘Higher’ to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what’s on HBO.
4. Ask ‘What is a gunfight?’
5. Request more funding from Congress with a ‘killer’ Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ”key’ Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets ‘strategic’ and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

Navy SEAL’s Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within sight or hearing.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 ( Inappropriate T-Shirts )

The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations in the Middle East .

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K

All commanders promulgate upon receipt. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East :
1. ‘Eat Pork or Die’ [both English and Arabic versions]
2. ‘Shrine Busters’ [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
3. ‘Goat – it isn’t just for breakfast any more.’ [Both English and Arabic versions]
4. ‘The road to Paradise begins with me.’ [Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
5. ‘Guns don’t kill people. I kill people.’ [Both Arabic and English versions]
6. ‘Pork. The other white meat.’ [Arabic version]
7. ‘Infidel’ [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.] I actually have one of these.

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.

In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
‘Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.’

Shared by Ken the cop.