An Ol' Broad's Ramblings
Archive for Chuckles
Crime
Shared by Suzanne.
Couldn’t Resist
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to get something to eat at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors – green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ….
“I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid.”
Shared by my brother in law.
A Wisconsin Chuckle
The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her Father and says, ‘So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?’
‘I don’t think so. It’s an 18 hour drive.”
‘Don’t worry about it Dad, I’ll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.’
‘I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?’
“Oh Dad,” replies Susan, ‘I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown ustom-made by the best designer in Washington ..’
‘Honey,’ Dad complains, ‘you know I can’t eat those rich foods you eat. Do they serve tap beer????’
The President-to-be responds, ‘Don’t worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington, I’ll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.’
So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president’s Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, ‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States.’
The Senator whispers back, ‘You bet I do.’
Dad says proudly, “Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers.”
Shared by Sue.
A Funny
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his bad behaved 3 year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long, easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa..”
“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William …….the little sh*t’s name is Kevin.”
Shared by Mr Ol’ Broad.
Just Gotta Keep Your Sense Of Humor
The South has had it pretty rough recently, devastating tornadoes with the loss of lives in the hundreds, torrential rains, and a lot of flooding. Right now, Memphis is bracing for more from the Mighty Mississippi. Here in Podunk, we’ve watched the Tennessee River overflow it’s banks and flood streets and homes. But all that is no reason to lose your sense of humor.
Photo from WREG.
I Really Shouldn’t Laugh
*snicker*
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and says, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”
Obama replied, “I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand…show me!”
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
Shared by Sharon.
Gotta Love Those Marines!
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both! men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn’t even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!”
“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”
God I love those Marines!
Swiped from Facebook.
Service Rules and Regulations
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a ’4.’
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10… Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11… Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12… In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13… If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
Chuckles
Shared by Dr D.
*snicker*
Maine Gov. Paul LePage on NAACP: “Tell ‘em to kiss my butt.”
While attending a meeting for business leaders in Sanford, Governor Paul LePage spoke out about why he would not attend Martin Luther King ceremonies on the upcoming holiday.
LePage has declined invitations from the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP). The organization has already expressed its displeasure with the governor’s plans to not attend the events.
“They are a special interest. End of story…and I’m not going to be held hostage by special interests. And if they want, they can look at my family picture. My son happens to be black, so they can do whatever they’d like about it,” said LePage.
It’s about flippin’ time someone spoke out against this race baiting bunch!
Jib Jab – Year In Review :)
Now That’s Funny Right There!
And sadly, very true! 
Swiped from GOP2112. (2112?)
Deer Ropin’
Nothing more than an “urban legend”, but I thought it was funny as hell. 
(Names have been removed to protect the stupid!)
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
Bats
This is very timely: the latest newsletter from The Texas Gardener’ Seeds said: Put up a bat house to encourage the presence of these shy animals. Bats consume 3,000 or more mosquitoes and other insects nightly, and bats are less likely to be rabid than dogs are. Need another reason?
Bats are responsible for up to 95 percent of the seed dispersal essential to the regeneration of forests.
Our planet is populated with plenty of bizarre and astonishing creatures. Here are three from the bat family ….. No need to resort to fiction.
Sucker-footed Bat
Red-Winged Fruit Bat
Left-Winged Ding Bat
So, 2 out 3 Bats have a useful purpose!
Shared by Suzanne. Hey…I thought it was funny!
IT’S SO HOT AND DRY IN TENNESSEE….
That the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
The Methodists are using wet-wipes,
Presbyterians are giving rain checks,
And the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn
back into water!
IT’S SO HOT AND DRY IN TENNESSEE….
….the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
….the trees are whistling for the dogs.
….the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance
….hot water comes from both taps.
….you can make sun tea instantly.
….you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
….the temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
….you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
….you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
….you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
….you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
….your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death”?
….you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
….the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
….the cows are giving evaporated milk.
….farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
Swiped from The Rep.
