An Ol' Broad's Ramblings
Archive for Chuckles
Ever Had One Of “Those” Days?
*snicker*
Thanks Fred. I needed this today. 
Where can I get som’a dem seeds?? 
I Hate Commercials
But I gotta tell ya, this one is hilarious!
Too Funny Not To Share
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Alvin Greene Wins South Carolina Primary | ||||
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H/T: Mark via FB
Cattle Guards
A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the “cattle” guards immediately!!
Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that…. before any “cattle” guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.
Shared by Ken the cop.
Comment Left On My Facebook Status
Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they “lick” themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).
Cats, like their nemesis, the dog …. do get dirty and have a … See More variety of odors… from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog’s breath. (Remember… your dog will try to eat anything.)
Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question. So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.
Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you …. you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.
1. First …. dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welder’s gloves.
2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area beforehand. No … blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire… the cat barely notices you anyway.
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom …. speed is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he’s madder than a wet hornet.
7. As best, you can, wearing welder’s gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No…this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.
12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door …. put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
13. In about 2 hours …. it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.
Thanks Ryan. I needed that!
Had To Do It!
Shared by Ick and Lajitas.
Kevin Cracks Me Up
Rainbows and…
New item, from D’Bama’s personal stash!
Get yours here!
Shared by Paula.
Oldie But Goody
The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat… Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ‘I need to get up and get a coke.’ ‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine, ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine’s shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good, I’d really like one, too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors… ‘Why does it have to be this way?’ ‘How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?’
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.
Shared by Ro!
Heh!
If only….
Woman of the Year
Shared by Mr Ol’ Broad.
Sent By My Friend In Israel
Why no one robs a 7- 11 in Israel
SHALOM!!!
Seriously, we didn’t actually see a 7-11 while we were over there, but there were plenty of C type stores. And everyone was armed. Felt safer there, in Israel, walking down the street….AT NIGHT, even with all the tensions, than I EVER felt walking down the street in any given U.S. city!
“An armed society is a polite society!” ~ Robert A. Heinlein
Shared by Avi.
Problem Solved!
Here’s a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:
Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling! This method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case Closed!
This is so simple that it is brilliant. I can see it now………you’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system, “Attention standby passengers: we now have a seat available on flight number…………”
Shared by Sue.
Wanna See Something Funny?
How ’bout an old woman made up like a hoochie? Heh.
Test Drive
I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive just to drive that sucker before they become extinct. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
I stated the car must be a Republican car.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership…
Shared by Mr Ol’ Broad.
